NRI Locates Key to Pune Flat Through Four Relatives and One Tailor

The Daily Rupee, from The IndiaPay Times satire desk. This is satire.

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FREMONT, CA. A local man landed in Pune on Thursday for his first visit in eleven years and spent the next six hours locating the key to his own flat, a process that involved four relatives, one watchman, and a tailor, family members confirmed.

“My mother said the key was with Sunita Aunty,” he said, standing outside a door he has paid for since 2009. “Sunita Aunty said it was with the watchman. The watchman said, ‘Which watchman?’ I have been paying maintenance on this building for over a decade. Nobody has ever asked me which watchman.”

The key was eventually traced to a tailor in the next lane, who had kept it on a hook labeled “America” since a plumber left it there in 2017. The tailor said he assumed the owner would collect it in person.

“Every year I thought, he will come this year,” the tailor said. “Every year, some new festival.”

Inside, the man found the flat in what he called “excellent, honestly, suspiciously excellent” condition. It contained one chair, a wall calendar from 2015 turned to March, and a water purifier he has paid to have serviced every year since 2016. The purifier was not connected to anything.

Records on his phone showed eleven annual deep-cleaning payments, four ceiling fan replacements, and one “emergency curtain,” approved over a video call at 2 AM Pacific. The curtain, still hanging, appeared to be the original curtain, recently washed.

“On video it always looked bigger,” he said. “I think the cousin was holding the phone very close to the window.”

Anand, a senior researcher at an institute nobody could name, said the situation is common. “The average NRI flat is the most thoroughly discussed empty room in the world,” he said. “It has been inspected, approved, repainted, and worried about by more people than most hospitals. The only person who has not seen it is the owner.”

The man’s mother, who has sent him a health tip at 4 AM every day since he left, responded to news of the visit with a forwarded video about ginger and one question. While he was in Pune, she asked, had he thought any more about marriage.

Before flying out, the man returned the key to the tailor, citing safety, and asked him to add his name to the hook beside the word “America.” He said he has not decided whether to sell the flat. He said he will definitely come back next year, which relatives noted is what he said last time.

Not satire: if a flat you rarely see makes up a big part of your net worth, here is how three Pune flats stack up against the CFA nephew’s portfolio. Our guide, The Uncle Portfolio: 3 Pune Flats vs the CFA Nephew, has the real numbers.

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