Mother Forwards Turmeric Remedy for Green Card Delay at 4 AM, Cites Neighbor's Cousin

The Daily Rupee, from The IndiaPay Times satire desk. This is satire.

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PLANO, TX. A software architect received a forwarded message from his mother on Saturday evening advising that warm turmeric water, taken on an empty stomach, “clears all pending matters,” including, she clarified in a follow-up voice note, his green card.

The message was sent at 4 AM India time, the hour at which, family members confirmed, most of the household’s medical and immigration guidance is composed.

“It is not only for cough,” said the mother, reached during her morning walk. “A lady in our building took it for forty days. Her nephew’s file moved. I am not saying it is the turmeric. I am also not saying it is not.”

The architect, 34, has been waiting in the queue long enough that he now calls his priority date “my birthday, basically.” He said he checks the status page every morning and that it has said the same thing for as long as he can remember.

A second forward arrived twenty minutes later, listing foods to avoid during “retrogression.” The mother learned the word recently and has since applied it to his sleep schedule, the price of onions, and a neighbor’s mango tree.

A third message asked whether the green card and his marriage plans could be “processed in parallel, to save a trip.” The architect, who is single and has an attorney for only one of the two matters, did not reply.

The mother also noted that Sharma Ji’s son received his green card “in one go, no delay, no turmeric.” The claim could not be verified. Sharma Ji’s son has not been seen in person since 2014.

Asked to comment, a senior researcher at an institute nobody could name said the data show no relationship between turmeric and processing times.

“However, the practice persists for a reason,” the researcher said. “It is the only step in the process that a family member can personally perform. Everything else is a form, a fee, or a wait. This is a glass.”

By Sunday morning the architect had made a glass. He said he did not believe it would work, then asked his mother over video whether it should be taken before or after brushing. She said before, and that he was holding the glass wrong.

At press time he had sent her a photo of the empty glass, the first document he has submitted in a decade to be reviewed in under ninety seconds. She approved it, then asked about the marriage plans.

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