The Daily Rupee, from The IndiaPay Times satire desk. This is satire.
Rate of the day:
₹94.94PLANO, TX. A 43-member family group chat confirmed a time for its Diwali video call on Sunday, nine days after an aunt first typed “What time is good for everyone?”, a question no family has ever answered.
“Plano is 7 PM, Dubai is 4 AM, Pune is 5:30 the next morning,” said Priya, 34, the self-appointed admin, reading from a spreadsheet. “Somebody will be awake at a bad hour. We are voting on who.”
The poll offered six options. Eleven members chose “any time is fine,” then objected to all six. A cousin in Dubai volunteered for 4 AM and has mentioned it fourteen times since. An uncle in Jersey City replied with a nine-minute voice note that contained no time at all, only a fond recollection of a 2011 call that “worked perfectly, with one phone.”
Pune submitted its own requirements. A grandmother asked whether the call could happen before the pooja, after the pooja, or “during, but quietly.” Her question was referred to a committee formed by an aunt in Atlanta. The committee has not reported back.
Attendance was a concern. Sharma Ji’s son, whom no family member has seen in person since 2017, reacted to the poll with a thumbs up, which several relatives described as “confirmed.” He joined eleven minutes late with his camera off and said he was in a meeting but would be quick. By the end of the call, three relatives had independently learned of his promotion.
The call lasted fourteen minutes. For nine of them, the grandmother’s phone pointed at a ceiling fan. A child in Sharjah appeared twice, ate something, and left. The audio was described as “fine” by everyone who could not hear it.
A senior researcher at an institute nobody could name said that scheduling across several time zones is a problem with no solution, only exhaustion.
“The call does not need a good time,” she said. “It needs one person willing to be annoyed.”
At 7:14 PM, everyone said goodbye. At 7:15 PM, everyone said goodbye again. Participants remained on the line another forty minutes, each waiting for someone else to hang up first, before the aunt in Atlanta typed that they should really do this more often.
The group then went silent until the next wedding.
Not satire: if your own family is also dividing up Diwali gifts across three countries, this one will feel very familiar. Our guide, Three Siblings in Three Countries Spend Three Weeks Choosing One Diwali Gold Coin, has the real numbers.
Share this:
Share on X |
Share on Facebook |
Share on WhatsApp
Keep reading
Man Refuses to Say Target Exchange Rate Aloud, Fears Rupee Will Hear
Plano household refers to the figure only as "the number" and has already ruled out saying it near the phone.
H1B Rookie Sends Grocery Receipt to Family Group, Receives Eleven Opinions on Hing
Relatives on three continents review one jar of asafoetida with the care usually reserved for property documents.
Mother Asks Why Son’s Savings Earn Less Than Sharma Ji’s Son’s Fixed Deposit
A screenshot cropped to show only a number and part of a thumb sets off a family-wide financial review.