The Daily Rupee, from The IndiaPay Times satire desk. This is satire.
Rate of the day:
₹94.00FREMONT, CA. A local software engineer finalized his December India itinerary on Sunday, a color-coded spreadsheet that assigns every one of his 19 days to a city, a relative, or a meal, family members confirmed.
“Day 4 is Pune, morning only,” said Vikram, 41, scrolling during a video call with his mother. “Afternoon is Nashik. Evening is Bua. I have kept Day 11 open for unforeseen aunts.”
His mother, who last saw him in person 14 months ago, listened to the full presentation and asked one question.
“Which hour is mine?”
Vikram said her hours were “distributed throughout” and pointed to a green cell labeled “Home, general.”
The spreadsheet, reviewed by this newspaper, contains seven tabs. One tracks a running total of days spent in India against a limit his accountant mentioned once, in March, in a message sent on a Sunday, the only day she replies. A second tab converts each wedding invitation into a priority score. A third, titled “Contingency,” contains the word “Bua” nine times.
Vikram has since sent the accountant four questions, including whether the day of arrival counts and whether a day spent mostly asleep counts as a day. She replied the following Sunday with two words: “Will revert.”
He has also booked his return flight for 11:40 PM on the final day, a decision relatives described as technically efficient and emotionally expensive.
Experts say the plan faces long odds. “No itinerary has ever survived contact with the first aunt,” said a senior researcher at an institute nobody could name. “The spreadsheet assumes people will let you leave. That is the flaw.”
Sharma Ji’s son, who is reported to visit India whenever he likes for as long as he likes and has never once been asked to explain, could not be reached for comment.
At press time, Vikram’s mother had begun her own schedule, handwritten on the back of a calendar from a local jeweler. Every day was marked “Home.”
Vikram was seen adding an eighth tab to his spreadsheet. It was labeled “Mom” and contained one cell, which read “Everything else.”
Not satire: if the number of days you spend in India ever changes your residency status, your bank accounts may need to change too. Here is the five-question version of that family argument. Our guide, NRE vs NRO Accounts: The 5-Question Family Argument, has the real numbers.
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