The Daily Rupee, from The IndiaPay Times satire desk. This is satire.
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₹94.25PLANO, TX. A first-year H1B engineer carried a 22-pound turkey out of a warehouse store on Saturday to feed two people, one of whom is himself, witnesses confirmed.
“The sign said Thanksgiving special,” said Rohan, 26, balancing the bird on a flatbed cart. “I do not know what the special is. I only know there was a line, and I joined it.”
The turkey will need four days in the refrigerator to thaw, according to the label, a timeline Rohan described as “shorter than my stamping appointment, so fine.” To make room, he removed three containers of leftover dal, a jar of mango pickle, and a bottle of ketchup he keeps only for guests.
The apartment oven has so far been used to store a pressure cooker. Rohan said he plans to roast the bird in the large steel pot from his housewarming biryani, “which has seen worse.”
His mother in Pune was informed by video call that evening. She did not ask about the price, the weight, or the holiday. She asked how much salt he planned to use, then forwarded a message at 4 AM IST titled “Turkey: 9 Benefits Doctors Hide.” The sender listed was “Neha Aunty’s friend.”
A family friend who joined the call converted the weight aloud. “Ten kilos,” he said. “At home we would call this a function.” He asked whether the turkey came with a receipt in rupees. It did not.
Rohan’s marinade, reviewed on speakerphone by four relatives, includes ginger-garlic paste, garam masala, and, at his mother’s insistence, a whole lemon “for safety.” Nobody on the call could explain the safety.
A senior researcher at an institute nobody could name said first-year engineers tend to buy a turkey in proportion to their homesickness. “The bird is always larger than the guest list,” he said. “That is the point of the bird.”
The guest list has since grown. Rohan originally invited two coworkers. After neighbors in the building, mostly other first-years, heard about the oven situation, the headcount reached eleven. Several are bringing rice.
Rohan said the leftovers are already planned. By Sunday the turkey is expected to become keema, curry, a sandwich, and one pulao that his mother has asked him to photograph.
On Thursday evening, according to the plan, his mother will join by video, propped against the pickle jar. She will watch him carve a bird the size of a small suitcase while ten people he met this year pass the rice.
“Are you eating properly?” she is expected to ask, to a table of eleven.
Not satire: if your first paychecks seem to vanish faster than a 22-pound turkey, here is where the money actually goes. Our guide, The H1B Worker’s First Paycheck: Where Does the Money Go?, has the real numbers.
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