The Daily Rupee, from The IndiaPay Times satire desk. This is satire.
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₹94.95SHARJAH, UAE. A Gulf cousin who has not missed a family remittance in fifteen years completed his weekly video inspection of a Pune flat on Friday, a property he has never entered, relatives confirmed.
“Left,” he told a neighbor’s teenager holding the phone. “Your other left. Stop. Why is there a new line above the window? That line was not there in March.”
The flat was purchased in 2011 from a brochure and a phone call. Since then it has been visited by nine relatives, one tailor, and a plumber named Ramesh, each of whom was asked to film the bathroom.
Sources said the cousin keeps a spreadsheet tracking tile condition, paint shade, and a ceiling fan he describes as “slightly emotional.” He has approved curtains by thumbnail and once rejected a sofa because the lighting in the video made it look tired.
The family WhatsApp group follows the inspections closely. His mother, who forwards updates at 4 AM India time, sent a photo of the front door on Thursday with the message, “Door is fine. When are you getting married and living here.” The cousin replied with a thumbs up, which relatives have since interpreted in four different ways.
The watchman, who has been paid on time every month since 2011, said he has never met the owner but feels he knows him well. “He is very strict about the water tank,” he said. “Only voice, no face. Still, a good man.”
A senior researcher at an institute nobody could name said remote ownership is “less a property than a long-distance relationship with load-bearing walls.” The researcher added that the owner’s knowledge of the flat is now so detailed that he could pass a home inspection from another continent, “which he effectively does, every Friday.”
Neighbors say the cousin once identified a leak by the sound of a video call. “I heard a drip behind you,” he reportedly said. “Not a tap. A pipe.” The pipe was repaired within the week.
Asked what he plans to do when he finally visits, the cousin was quiet for a moment. He said he would sit on the living room floor for an hour without speaking.
“Then I will check the fan,” he said.
Not satire: if your own property back home has become a long-distance relationship, here is how three Pune flats compare with a very different kind of portfolio. Our guide, The Uncle Portfolio: 3 Pune Flats vs the CFA Nephew, has the real numbers.
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